carrie_schunk's Journal

My Bf keeps promising me something, and breaking his promises

This time he said it was my fault he broke his promise to me, that I drove him to do it

And I cannot help but think... can we last if that is all it takes for you to lie to me? to tell me you won't do something, and as soon as things get a little shakey you break your promise again and again... and blame it on me?

I cut myself for the first time.... it hurt me too much, that I just... I just reached down and dug into my own skin.... Then it all stopped hurting... all i could feel was empty... it was an unexpected escape... like I forced my broken little heart out with each drop of blood that fell and I was left with no heart at all

Only problem is I want my heart back now, but I am too afraid to believe him again.... what if he breaks my heart again, and I hurt myself again

I used to have such great plans and aspirations, now I am a victim of myself, too afraid to live, to afraid to fail... I quit school because I was too afraid to study... because if I was to study and fail I would have to come to terms with my limitations

Instead I skipped classes, kept my books sealed up all semester, lied about doing research, lied about knowing the answers, and I couldn't blame my brain when my grades weren't perfect, when I got a C in my easiest class and an A in the hardest... I could only laugh it off and say I didn't try... and I didn't try, and I still laugh it off even though it makes me want to cry.

I used to have a perfect future waiting for me... now it lays in peices on the floor... peices I am too afraid will hurt me if I try to clean them up

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: The Sound of Crying that Resonates in my Mind

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